04 March 2018

Take time to do the things you love

When my Nanay passed away last year, I felt so lost. I felt hollow inside, like some part of me was missing. I would wake up each day and feel nothing. It was very scary. I did not know how I should feel. But I knew that I had to keep moving with my life, for the sake of my family. An automatic mode kicked in. I would wake up, list the things that I need to do in my mind, then do it. The morning routine, the commute to work, the tasks I needed to solve in front of the computer, the commute home, dinner, side jobs before going to sleep, then turn it in.

There were countless times though that the evenings can give me problems. The day has finished, and I would be left alone with my thoughts. The emptiness would set in. I would panic and consciously start doing things for the sake of doing. There was a time when I started cleaning at 9pm and did not stop till 2 in the morning. I exhausted myself to sleep.

2017 was a very dark time for me. I lost myself. The things that I loved to do no longer mattered. I love my cacti and succulents, and I neglected them. Most of them were hardy enough to survive neglect, some of the more delicate ones did not make it.

I loved visiting the Library. I cannot recall stepping into the library last year. I enjoyed reading comic books - I also forgot that I actually love doing that.

The days started to intertwine with each other. I would get my days confused. I'm actually surprised I managed as well as I could at work. I only missed one meeting, but I knew something was wrong when I started making mistakes.

I started going to Church on my lunch breaks. Most times I would just sit there, eyes closed, listening, asking. God, are you there? Can you hear me? I do not know what to say. I feel so empty inside. Talk to me.'

He did not reply.

Still I persevered. And He gave me opportunities to share my burden with my community. Friends  shared in my sorrow and gave me hope in the time that I needed it the most.

My grief still continues. But instead of wallowing in darkness, I reach for the light in the Bible. I pray. I now find a sense of calm. Sure, there are still times that I am confronted by my grief, but instead of the panic, I now try to stop, sit still, and take my time to recover no matter how long it takes.

My succulents are growing quite well.

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