04 March 2018

Take time to do the things you love

When my Nanay passed away last year, I felt so lost. I felt hollow inside, like some part of me was missing. I would wake up each day and feel nothing. It was very scary. I did not know how I should feel. But I knew that I had to keep moving with my life, for the sake of my family. An automatic mode kicked in. I would wake up, list the things that I need to do in my mind, then do it. The morning routine, the commute to work, the tasks I needed to solve in front of the computer, the commute home, dinner, side jobs before going to sleep, then turn it in.

There were countless times though that the evenings can give me problems. The day has finished, and I would be left alone with my thoughts. The emptiness would set in. I would panic and consciously start doing things for the sake of doing. There was a time when I started cleaning at 9pm and did not stop till 2 in the morning. I exhausted myself to sleep.

2017 was a very dark time for me. I lost myself. The things that I loved to do no longer mattered. I love my cacti and succulents, and I neglected them. Most of them were hardy enough to survive neglect, some of the more delicate ones did not make it.

I loved visiting the Library. I cannot recall stepping into the library last year. I enjoyed reading comic books - I also forgot that I actually love doing that.

The days started to intertwine with each other. I would get my days confused. I'm actually surprised I managed as well as I could at work. I only missed one meeting, but I knew something was wrong when I started making mistakes.

I started going to Church on my lunch breaks. Most times I would just sit there, eyes closed, listening, asking. God, are you there? Can you hear me? I do not know what to say. I feel so empty inside. Talk to me.'

He did not reply.

Still I persevered. And He gave me opportunities to share my burden with my community. Friends  shared in my sorrow and gave me hope in the time that I needed it the most.

My grief still continues. But instead of wallowing in darkness, I reach for the light in the Bible. I pray. I now find a sense of calm. Sure, there are still times that I am confronted by my grief, but instead of the panic, I now try to stop, sit still, and take my time to recover no matter how long it takes.

My succulents are growing quite well.

27 November 2017

Not getting easier

Next week, we move to December. Time has certainly flown, but not because we had so much fun, but because we had been so busy. Not just at work, but more so with church group activities. I feel that I have actually been escaping from my personal loss by keeping myself busy. Because when I am alone, the loneliness starts flooding back.

Nanay will be celebrating her birthday on the 18th. It is the first time I won't be able to ring her up and wish her a Happy Birthday, or be able to go on holiday and be with her. Sometimes I wonder how other people who I know have lost a loved one can cope. Now that I don't have my Nanay anymore, I know the answer. They don't. They just have to keep on living - for their family, friends, for themselves. They hope that their grief will ease out in time.

And that is where I am at now. Trying to keep on living, keeping myself busy, hoping that someday I will come to terms with my own grief and accept my loss. When that will be, I do not know. One thing I do know: that the next few weeks will be a very difficult one for me.

17 September 2017

9 months on...

... and I'm still grieving. I've read that the grieving process vary; it depends on how people take it. Unfortunately I think I'm one of those who would take a lot longer to get over the loss. Just the thought of it makes my heart ache. We attended the 60th birthday of a friend last night, and part of the programme was a slide show of our friend's photos taking us back to his childhood all the way to the present. Like a digital photo album set to music. It started with these black and white photos, and this segment lasted for the duration of the song. I do not know the people in those photos, but it took me back to my own childhood.

Last year, I made an effort to search for our old photos when we visited the Philippines. I was saddened to see lots of them neglected. They were not placed in albums and were kept together in envelopes. As such, a number have stuck together and may no loner be salvageable. I nevertheless took these with me. That was October last year. I was planning to start scanning after the Christmas holidays , and then the  family tragedy happened on January. The photos remain in my bag. It still hurts too much to sort out those photos.

Tears started welling up while we were watching the slideshow. It's a good thing the lights were out. I tried to keep myself in check and opened my phone for a game of Sudoku instead. I hope they did not see me do so lest they find me rather rude, but the slideshow just reminded me of my Mum and also my Aunt who I lost also a couple of years back...

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...