06 April 2019

Lost and found

[In the midst of things that have not gone the way I want to, there are actually many instances when fortune smiled my way. Though I can say that it wasn't actually fortune, but something or Someone who looks after me. I'm starting a series of short stories highlighting these #smallmiracles. Hopefully this will also encourage you to look into the small miracles in your life.]

Udon soup
I actually have 2 wallets, 1 for frequently used cards, and a smaller one for minor cards plus my bus card. Keeping just 1 wallet for everything was too bulky. Each wallet would go into my pants' back pockets, but on that fateful day I decided to wear shorts with only 1 back pocket. So the smaller wallet went into my front pocket along with my phone. Being the designated driver, I had to drop off the kids to their sporting activities and also get the family to our other destinations.

By late afternoon I realised that I lost my smaller wallet. In the next couple of days, I retraced my steps and enquired from shops, but turned up empty-handed. Nevertheless, I did not feel troubled, like something is reassuring me that the wallet will find its way back.

Sure enough, I received a phone; a kind soul dropped it off at a shop. I have since collected it, with all contents intact. It was the best thing that happened to me that week.

(Not related to the story, but I had 2 udon bowls this week due to the cold, wet weather. Yum. Might try to recreate at home.)

04 March 2018

Take time to do the things you love

When my Nanay passed away last year, I felt so lost. I felt hollow inside, like some part of me was missing. I would wake up each day and feel nothing. It was very scary. I did not know how I should feel. But I knew that I had to keep moving with my life, for the sake of my family. An automatic mode kicked in. I would wake up, list the things that I need to do in my mind, then do it. The morning routine, the commute to work, the tasks I needed to solve in front of the computer, the commute home, dinner, side jobs before going to sleep, then turn it in.

There were countless times though that the evenings can give me problems. The day has finished, and I would be left alone with my thoughts. The emptiness would set in. I would panic and consciously start doing things for the sake of doing. There was a time when I started cleaning at 9pm and did not stop till 2 in the morning. I exhausted myself to sleep.

2017 was a very dark time for me. I lost myself. The things that I loved to do no longer mattered. I love my cacti and succulents, and I neglected them. Most of them were hardy enough to survive neglect, some of the more delicate ones did not make it.

I loved visiting the Library. I cannot recall stepping into the library last year. I enjoyed reading comic books - I also forgot that I actually love doing that.

The days started to intertwine with each other. I would get my days confused. I'm actually surprised I managed as well as I could at work. I only missed one meeting, but I knew something was wrong when I started making mistakes.

I started going to Church on my lunch breaks. Most times I would just sit there, eyes closed, listening, asking. God, are you there? Can you hear me? I do not know what to say. I feel so empty inside. Talk to me.'

He did not reply.

Still I persevered. And He gave me opportunities to share my burden with my community. Friends  shared in my sorrow and gave me hope in the time that I needed it the most.

My grief still continues. But instead of wallowing in darkness, I reach for the light in the Bible. I pray. I now find a sense of calm. Sure, there are still times that I am confronted by my grief, but instead of the panic, I now try to stop, sit still, and take my time to recover no matter how long it takes.

My succulents are growing quite well.

27 November 2017

Not getting easier

Next week, we move to December. Time has certainly flown, but not because we had so much fun, but because we had been so busy. Not just at work, but more so with church group activities. I feel that I have actually been escaping from my personal loss by keeping myself busy. Because when I am alone, the loneliness starts flooding back.

Nanay will be celebrating her birthday on the 18th. It is the first time I won't be able to ring her up and wish her a Happy Birthday, or be able to go on holiday and be with her. Sometimes I wonder how other people who I know have lost a loved one can cope. Now that I don't have my Nanay anymore, I know the answer. They don't. They just have to keep on living - for their family, friends, for themselves. They hope that their grief will ease out in time.

And that is where I am at now. Trying to keep on living, keeping myself busy, hoping that someday I will come to terms with my own grief and accept my loss. When that will be, I do not know. One thing I do know: that the next few weeks will be a very difficult one for me.
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