13 August 2019

Carlos Soriano Ballesteros, 1944-2019

It's been nearly 40 days now since my father passed away. 6th July 2019. We were walking to the Church for the 10.30am mass when my younger brother Doods phoned. He said Tatay has been very sick and very weak. After a quick chat, we entered the Church. Ten minutes later he rang again. Tatay had passed away. 

Everything happened so fast. I stayed in the car speechless. I phoned my good friend Jason. Inbetween tears I asked him to pray for me.

The days after that happened so fast. We were busy for the next nine days for pa-syam. Friends came and sympathized and prayed the rosary. Tears were shed.
It's been a difficult past few days. Tiredness and lack of sleep is taking its toll. It's been difficult keeping focus at work and at home. I forget plans and schedules. 

This is a different feeling from when my Nanay passed away. Back then I felt so desolate and sad and depressed. This time around I feel so confused, I don't feel like myself, I blank out, and I'm just so tired.

In my dreams I'm back in our home at Carantes St. I was sitting on our wooden sofa. I've forgotten all about that sofa but it was so vivid in my dream that I woke up recalling how it felt sitting there and wondered what that was about. And I wondered where that sofa is now.

In another dream I was in our kitchen and for some reason I found it cramped with unnecessary stuff so I decided to move furniture and rearrange stuff all by myself. When I was done it was late in the night and I woke up my Nanay so she can see my work. She woke up without complaining and went to the kitchen with me. She looked happy with it and was chatting when a corner of the kitchen wall broke and roaches started crawling all over the place. One flew and landed right on me and that's when I woke up. I felt so tired.

I don't know what to feel in this time of mourning. This uncertainty is overwhelming.

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